My Ego Took Over Today.

Monday, October 18, 2021

My ego took over today in a big way.

Erick mistakenly told Kalix (who is three years old) that it was pyjama day today at preschool. Pyjama day is not until next Monday. So, when I tried to put regular clothes on Kalix, he started to get upset and refused to put on regular clothes. He wanted to wear his pj’s.

This went on for about five minutes. He continued to refuse, and I was getting angrier by the second that he was not listening to me. Cue ego:

He’s not listening to you!

He should be listening to you and not saying no to you.

He just tried to hit you!

You CANNOT let him get away with this.

You CANNOT let him wear his pj’s.

So, what did I do? Well, first, I gave in. The bit of growth I have gone through allowed me to say to myself that it doesn’t matter if he wears his pj’s. “FINE!” I said and walked away.

But today, my ego was stronger than my growth. My ego did not stop there.

You CANNOT let him WIN!!

This is where it got bad.

Instead of just letting the 3-year-old wear the pyjamas (like really, who was it going to hurt?), I told him that if he wears his pj’s today, he will not get to wear them next week when all his friends will be wearing them. “They will all be having fun in their pj’s with their stuffies, and you will just be in your regular clothes.”

Ugh.

What a way to make a kid feel like shit. And I did this deliberately. To my own child.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Kalix threw his arms around my legs and hugged them in defeat.

Yes! You won! – My ego

At this moment in time, it did feel like I had done the right thing. We hugged it out, and I was able to get him to put on regular clothes. He changed his mood and was happy again, and we hugged some more, and he went off to preschool. Seemingly happy.

As soon as he left, my guilt kicked in.

Kalix dressed as Spiderman, ready to go trick-or-treating with his sister.

How could I have done that to him? Why did I need to use guilt and make him feel awful in order to get him to do what I wanted him to do? Now he is going to grow up thinking this is how he gets people to do what he wants. Manipulate them by making them feel like shit.

Wow.

Isn’t this a pattern we often see in our society? Cue any advertisement geared towards women ever.

I’m still sitting here feeling like a horrible mother. I wish I could talk to him about it and explain that I was wrong. I will definitely try to do so when he gets home later today. Although, I’m sure the moment will have left, him and the discussion will not have much effect.

Since my daughter Raya was there to witness the entire showdown, the only thing I felt I could do at the moment was to talk to her about it. I asked her how she thought I handled the situation.

“Not good,” she said.

“What do you think I should have done?” I asked.

“Let him wear the pyjamas.”

“Yup, you’re right. I should have,” I responded. “Why should I have let him wear his pj’s?”

“Because I didn’t want to hear him cry and hear you guys argue.”

“Ahh,” I said. “But should we always give in to him when he wants something just because we don’t want to hear him cry?”

“Well, no. Not if it’s going to hurt him.”

“You’re right, Raya. It wouldn’t have hurt anyone if he wore his pj’s today. And it wouldn’t have hurt anyone if he wore his pj’s again next week when it is actually pyjama day. Gee, I should take parenting advice from you more often!”

We both laughed. I went on to tell her that the way I got Kalix to do what I wanted him to do was wrong. And I know that.

I constantly make mistakes like this. I am extremely hard on myself when I do. And I’m getting better at realizing the mistake and rectifying it as quickly as possible.

Our ego tells us we must prove we are right, no matter what the cost. It tells us we are better than others. It causes us to judge ourselves and judge other people while at the same time creating fear around what other people may be thinking of us. Our egos are necessary when we are children, but apparently, we are supposed to grow out of it.

I recently read a great post from The Holistic Psychologist that says: “Your ego develops to protect you from your reality. It creates an identity for you to cope with any confusion, disconnection, and loss of love that you experienced. It strengthens an identity to ensure to the best of your ability that we can still receive whatever love is available. … Your ego is very defensive about your identity. … Conflicting opinions or concepts often bring people to a place of anger because the ego feels the most out of control when it’s challenged.” (https://theholisticpsychologist.com/how-to-do-ego-work/)

Ding ding ding!! Anger. Out of control.

The common source of my anger is directly related to my feelings of lack of control. Anyone else catching what I’m throwing out there? I’m constantly trying to remember to remind myself of this so that I can respond to the situation instead of reacting to it.

This sweet boy has my heart.

Children are constantly pushing our ego buttons. When that kid decides to throw a tantrum because HIS ego has kicked in, when there is no controlling his emotions or actions, when we feel like screaming at the top of our lungs (just me?), we must choose to come from a place of love. And when our ego does win, apologize, and try again next time.

Our ego can be a very powerful thing. Doing the inner work to keep it in check is not easy but necessary. And sometimes, you just need to tell it to shut the hell up.