Why am I here?

Why am I here? What do I want to say? What do I have to say? Is it important? Does anybody care? Who am I to talk about these things? I am still learning. I’m not an expert.

These are the thoughts that race through my mind every time I sit down to write a new blog. This is so new to me. It is vulnerable, and I don’t feel good enough. But then again, this was supposed to be just for me. So, what am I worried about?

Today is my 37th birthday. Another year around the sun. Another year that I get to learn, get to the grow, get to love. Being on a personal and spiritual growth journey is one I never thought I would find myself on. It just sort of happened when I started my online business. Because marketing yourself and putting yourself out there for others to see and want to buy from is not something I am used to doing. So, working on my mindset became part of the business package. It’s been quite the process. But I have to say, I am starting to see changes in myself I also never imagined.

So, what do I have to say?

Well, I am currently doing a 30-day yoga challenge. It’s only the beginning, but I’m excited to see how I feel at the end of the 30 days. My hope is that this challenge is the start of a new passion. Or maybe I’ll hate it and stop immediately after the 30 days. I don’t believe that will be the case, though. We shall see.

Now, what do I want to say?

I wanted my next post to be about my active allyship and what I have learned from my activities in my anti-racist box (https://www.youneedthisbox.ca/). However, I don’t feel I have had enough time to reflect and share my learnings and unlearning with you.

A big part of me wants to write about anti-racism and allyship because it is very important to me. It is a change that is imperative and work that I believe we should all be doing, every day. But I know that not everyone feels this way. I know that I often get things wrong. I am afraid of saying the wrong things. I am afraid of looking like a fraud. Who am I to say these things? Am I doing enough while telling others what to do? But I’m not telling others what to do. I am simply sharing my experiences, my efforts, and what I have learned from listening to others. Maybe it is not enough. Maybe it will never be enough. But I can’t worry about what others are going to think. I have to do me. My point in sharing it with all of you is to hopefully inspire more people to do the work. Not to shame or blame or feel holier than thou. We all have to want to do the work.

My 37th year will be the year I find my voice and share it with you without doubts or second-guessing or feelings of imposter syndrome.

One of my best friends, Nancy, inspires me to no end as she does not wait; she acts. When she has something to say, she says it. When she is passionate about something, she immediately acts on it. She doesn’t wait for perfection. Anyone who waits for perfection doesn’t end up taking any steps forward at all. Perfection is an illusion. It doesn’t exist. Wanting perfection freezes us into inaction. This is what I aim to let go of in my 37th year around the sun.

I will fu*k up. I will say the wrong thing. I will get it wrong, and people will notice. (Well, maybe not. Who knows who reads these things anyway, lol).

But that is the point, isn’t it? If we are not failing or getting it wrong, then we are never learning.

In my 37th year, I will continue on my spiritual journey. I left 2021 a very different person than when I went into it. To an outsider, the differences may not be noticeable. But on the inside, I feel significantly changed.

There have definitely been some dark days. Days that I cried more than I didn’t. And for what reason? Mostly I think I just had too much time on my hands to think. But I don’t need to explain or reason my way around it. It just was. As I learn more about the moon cycles, I notice that these dark days correspond with the darkness of the moon cycle. When the moon is getting darker (waning crescent to new moon), I go inwards and retract. Then, as the moon is getting brighter, on its way to full moon, I feel lighter and more energetic.

Now, my plan going forward is not to try to stop these dark times but to anticipate them and do what I can to guide myself through them.

In my 37th year, I will continue working towards being the best version of myself to be the best mother to my children. So much of the presence of a parent has fallen on Erick this past year. I mean, I was there. I did the things I had to do; I went through the motions. But mentally, I was not the most present parent. I was either thinking about work or thinking of all the ways I needed to be a better person, parent, business owner, friend, daughter, sister, etc. How counterintuitive. 

Anyway, I’ve touched on all three aspects of why I started this blog. Three parts of me that I want to explore and expand on. This blog is a way to keep me accountable. If you come along for the ride, I hope you can learn with me, feel less alone, and maybe get a laugh or two out of it.

In my 37th year, I will continue to be Me. Perfectly imperfect Me.

Me with my children and husband on my 37th birthday. Another covid birthday meant I didn’t get to see everyone I would have liked to see. But at least I had these sillies by my side.